I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I am naked and annoyed.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
