I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
