so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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