I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
