My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
