Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
