Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
