You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
