If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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