if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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