the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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