Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
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I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
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I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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