There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
