you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
