i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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