Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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