i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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