I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
