I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date