it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
