I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.