i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
