dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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