i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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