someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
