i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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