Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
