You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
