I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My life is pants optional.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
