my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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