Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
