peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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