her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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