found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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