Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
