I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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