I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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