I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
