the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
