Your face is a jimmy john
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
