she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize