i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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