Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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