yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
