I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
