We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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