yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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