Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
