The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
