thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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