Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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