Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
