I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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