haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
