moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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