Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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