i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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