ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
