My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
