I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
