Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
