Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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