This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
