the condom got lost in my hair
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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